onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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