I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
