Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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