I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
