Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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