Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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