1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
