wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
