a queef is a wish your heart makes.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
