If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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