the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
