He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
