I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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