I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
