I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
