i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
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Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
A bitchslap is in order.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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