Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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