Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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