I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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