he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Your penis caused this!
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