youre lurking in front of me
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
