I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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