Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize