i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
