today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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