Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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