i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
