Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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