Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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