I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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