tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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babies were throwing up all over the place
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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