The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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