i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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