How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize