When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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