im six kinds of drunk right now
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
