you guys were way drunker than both of me
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
and you fell through a lawn chair
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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