I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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