i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
