Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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