Betty ford says i'm here all night
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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