we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
