Cold hands, warm shart.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
