I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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