She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize