im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
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I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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