I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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