No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
