just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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