Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
