where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
