i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
