Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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