I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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