i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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