"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
